Fake Game 1: Seahawks vs. Somebody (Preview)

Finally!  The 2013 NFL season is upon us.  The Seahawks open their campaign for the Lombardi Trophy tonight against an opponent.  Below is a point-by-point breakdown of the… Wait… What?  It’s a preseason game?  As in a game whose outcome has no relevance, in which the best players will hardly appear, that the NFL is trying to pawn off as something meaningful so it can jack up season ticket prices and make more TV revenue?  As in that type of game?  Never mind.  I’m out.

Yeah, I know, I might miss something kinda cool like last preseason’s emergence of Russell Wilson as the starting QB, but for every Russell Wilson there’s a Deon Butler, a Mike Teel, a Jeff Rowe, a Marquis Weeks*, and dozens of other B-team all-stars.  I’ll play the percentages on this one, and skip the preseason altogether.  I suggest you do the same.  In fact, I give you five other things to watch tonight instead of preseason NFL.

  1. This sappily awesome Steve Largent highlight video.
  2. This montage from the 1978 film Midnight Express (I’ve never seen the movie before but the theme music rocks).
  3. This.
  4. This RBI Baseball reenactment of the bottom of the 9th inning of Game 1 of the 1988 World Series.
  5. Project Runway.

Oh, also, the Seahawks signed former Cardinals wide out Early Doucet.  The appropriate response to this is “meh”… or a shoulder shrug if you’re not into the whole verbal thing.


*Marquis Weeks might be the quintessential B-team all-star.  He carried the ball just three times for eight yards in his NFL career, but during a three-year preseason span (2005-2007) with the ‘Hawks, he racked up 380 total yards on 85 touches and scored four touchdowns.

2 thoughts on “Fake Game 1: Seahawks vs. Somebody (Preview)

  1. I think you’re underestimating the rich drama of the Brady Quinn/Tavaris Jackson battle to hold the clipboard.

  2. Four things you missed by not tuning in to the Seahawks (pre)Season Opener:

    #1: Richard Sherman met his contractual requirement of wagging his finger after a minimum of two plays (impressive because he only played a single series).

    #2: TJAX put in a good effort and likely earned the esteemed position of back-up QB.

    #3: Our slew of rookie RBs all have two legs and two feet (standing and running on them during the regular season is not out of the question).

    #4: Manti Te’o is a professional football player, wears a professional football uniform, and gets paid for his work on the field. Thank God he isn’t a Seahawk.

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